


Words Unspoken

by snapegirl



Category: Holby City
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 03:49:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8148194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snapegirl/pseuds/snapegirl
Summary: This was going to be Harvard all over again if she didn’t start doing something.
   Serena was in danger of slipping back into a dark place after Bernie left but she couldn't tell anyone.So she texted instead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is nothing graphic in here but please refer to the tags and proceed with caution.

Bernie Wolfe was gone.

Serena didn’t know if she was ever going to come back. She sat on the sofa, a glass of shiraz in front of her, and counted the seconds.

1…2…3…4…5

18,000 counts, two bottles of wine and an empty notification panel later, she knew she was not getting Bernie back. She opened the text messenger and typed.

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_Don’t go. Please._

 

She stared at the “send” button for 45 seconds and hit “save draft” instead.

Serena sat there for another 1,000 counts before going to bed, not bothering with washing out the glass even though the dried-out wine at the bottom and the lip-stick stain on the rim would be hell to clean out tomorrow. Well, that was what dishwasher was here for.

The glass remained on the coffee table for the rest of the week and the entire weekend until Jason took pity on it and rinsed it out. Serena drank straight from the bottle by then.

It was as if the headaches that followed every morning was the indicator that she was still alive.

 

–

 

Robbie came back.

Amidst all the embarrassing undergarment, Jason helping out at the ward, and Robbie’s friend being admitted to the ward, it was his assumption and entitlement that they could get back together like a snap of fingers that irked her the most.

She looked into his eyes and saw those blue eyes, a wave of nausea washed over her as she wished it was a pair of chocolate-brown eyes only three inches higher staring into hers instead.

She pushed him away and told him to never come back unless it was him on a trolley.

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_I love you._

  


Save to draft? Yes

 

–

 

Everything felt a bit less colourful each day, even though she knew the scrubs on AAU had not changed their harmonising colour of baby and navy blue. She just couldn’t make herself to pick her usual bright red or orange shirts for work.

Certainly not the blue one that became a constant reminder of the time when they teased Ric together, their awkwardness briefly forgotten.

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_I miss you._

  


That one went into the draft folder as well.

 

–

 

Jason knew.

It was unfortunate, really, him walking into the staff room and seeing a nurse pressing her up against a wall.

“Do you kiss girls now?” He asked in the lift.

She looked into his confused face and replied, “Not the one that I want.”

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_I kissed a woman today, I wished it was you._

 

–

 

Raf suspected.

He saw what happened on the ward the day Bernie left but didn’t say anything.

Not until one day in theatre when he watched as she held a scalpel and weighed the option whether to put it on the patient in front of her, or on her. He took the knife from her silently and she ran from the table.

This was going to be Harvard all over again if she didn’t start doing something.

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_I told Raf about us. He wants to punch you in the face._

  


_–_

  


It became more of a routine than anything.

A coping mechanism, Naomi would probably say. Not that she had ever talked to her, not even when Raf offered to get her down for a casual chat. She could not risk getting doubted now that she was the only consultant keeping the Trauma Unit running.

Never had time for diaries but this was … therapeutic.

 

_Fletch is walking now._

 

_Evie is doing great with her schoolwork, I am coaching her in basic biology._

 

 _There was a major RTC today, I was the calm one for a change; Hanssen_ almost _got flustered intubating someone in the Trauma Bay._

 

_Raf had to bring Theo in today. Nothing’s wrong with him but I had a stare-off with a toddler while I was doing paperwork._

_  
_

_Morven shouted down an angry relative, he walked away with his tail between his legs. Everyone cheered._

 

_._

_._

_._

 

She thought she could keep this up until Bernie was back but life truly liked to throw a spanner in her works.

 

–

  
Guy was arrested for physically assaulting Tristan Wood and Hanssen was brought in for questioning as well.

Imelda Cousins returned in all her glory to review Hanssen’s management. It was truly just like old times: a disaster.

She made sure Ric was well out of her way and in doing so, completely forgot herself.

“The Trauma Unit, it looks kind of redundant, don’t you think? The ED has their Resus room and it should be enough. With Ms Wolfe gone, do you really think you can handle all the… stress? She certainly didn’t think it’s important enough to be around and lead this unit!”

It was the smug face and toad-like smile that made her want to deck her.

In the end, it seemed all clouds had its silver linings. An emergency that neither the ED nor Raf could handle and with an occupied theatre, she managed to stabilise it in the bay.

A ruptured pseudo-aneurysm of the splenic artery. Ironic.

Cousins had no choice but to change her mind after that.

She was calm during the procedure but it was with shaky fingers when she typed out a text in the privacy of her own office.

 

To: Bernie Wolfe

_They almost took away the only thing that I have left of you._

  


She didn’t look at what she was pressing on the screen when she exited the application. She needed a drink.

 

–

 

Bernie ended her secondment right before Christmas.

Hanssen told her beforehand but it didn’t stop her heart from beating just minutely faster when she strode into the ward and saw Bernie palpating a patient’s stomach.

Exactly like the day she returned from her suspension. She realised only now that her heart had skipped a beat then as well.

Relief was expected, anger wasn’t.

“Serena.”

“Welcome back, Ms Wolfe. I trust Ukraine was enlightening. The ward ran like clockwork, it was as if you hadn’t left at all.” She pivoted towards her office, black shirt billowing around her.

Technically, it was true, she pulled out her phone as she went through her in-tray. Bernie must never know about the texts.

 

_Draft folder: No Messages_

 

What?

“Did you really think I was not coming back or that I wouldn’t get the texts when I landed in the UK?” She heard Bernie said behind her by the door of the office.

Or maybe not.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, many thanks to Refreshingly_Original for reading it through!


End file.
